‘SAVE
HAITI’. That’s what it says on the T-shirt. What do we make of those words? For
me it raises up a distinctly colonial and Christian idea of salvation that
believes it is the answer. This is of
course a very different thing to any message Jesus of Nazareth spoke of and
yet, the ‘salvation project’, both personal and global, is one that has
dominated the minds of the Western-educated, Christian and Atheist alike, for
centuries. The helicopter seems to be lifting away the word ‘save’ and that
seems like a good start. I know that the guy wearing the T-shirt and that he
bought it not because he believed that of any of those things that I just
mentioned were desirable, even if they were possible, he simply wanted to give
money and offer something to those in need. And in 2010 Haiti was in serious
need after being struck by a massive earthquake which levelled much of the
capital, Port-au-Prince, and many other areas. About 150,000 people lost their
lives, a large percentage of them because the houses were not built to
withstand such forces, building code or not. It happened at night while people
slept and were crushed before they found cover more substantial than bedsheets
which quickly became burial shrouds. And when the aid came, it passed most
people by. Yes, Haiti. If the story of this tragedy and the large scale aid
effort which came and went is of interest to you, I would recommend a book
called The Big Truck That Drove By’
by Jonathan Katz. But today, in a departure from my old humanitarian
imaginings, let’s not follow it down the road.
After
18 months away from aid work in which I often saw no possible way that I could
or would ever do it again, I am back in Haiti on an aid contract. The journey
out of depression, hopelessness, cynicism, defeat and death after those years
in Afghanistan, DR Congo and Haiti was long and arduous. The toll on me was
heavy and there is a story about how healing, restoration and hope came back
into my life. For now let me just say that I was more surprised by the decision
to do humanitarian work again than those who know me well. Somewhere along the
way I knew that it was better than doing nothing to help those who suffer, but
I knew it wasn’t enough of a motivation for me. Then I realised that perhaps
the best we can ever do as humans is found in the simple possibilities that
always are before us and the choice we have to engage, to turn away or face
life in all its messy beauty and troubles with honesty and humility. I realise
that Mother Teresa said it best with these words: “We can do no great things,
only small things done with great love.” Somehow I got to a point where I had
compassion and the desire to try again.
The
question I asked myself as I went through familiar routines of pre-contract
briefings, bag packing, farewells and busy preparations, was whether it would
be different this time around. And the truth is I don’t know. It may break me
in the same ways as before or perhaps in new ways. I know I have changed but
that is no guarantee. However, I can see my heart is different now and I am
more interested in whom I am becoming as a human being rather than what I am
achieving or not. That was always vanity. If in trying to do good I become a
horror to myself and others then it raises serious questions for me about how I
am living. I guess the litmus test for my health and humanity has changed. This
I hope is enough for me to dip my toe in the waters of aid work again and see
if I sink or float free. For me great love would mean breaking out of the
systematic modes of aid and much Christian mission and finding a place where we
don’t talk of objectives and deliverables as much as the fruit born out of our
actions and interactions. Ernesto Sirolli, in his TED talk about aid in Africa and his life’s work, said ‘shut up and
listen if you want to help someone’. His call to be neither paternalistic nor
patronising is not what Haitians have experienced in their interactions with
people from over the ocean and even across the island of Hispaniola which they
share with Dominicans. If by ‘save’ we don’t mean servant-hearted (which
funnily Sirolli talks about though never mentions faith or Jesus as the model
leader), let the helicopter lift off removing SAVE. In my mind’s eye now the word
LOVE rises up from below, though a landscape of beautiful, suffering people
with tremendous capacity for transforming their own country into a place of health,
happiness and hope. None of us ever do this alone. Yes, love Haiti.
This
is perhaps something like the ‘path with heart’ which Carlos Castaneda spoke of
in his books about the teachings of Don Juan. And how will I love this time? How
will my heart stay soft and supple rather than turn hard and rigid? It will
probably have to break again. Dying
to self is powerful. The man within believes he is right and can fix things and
bring transformation forth by his own hand. My life experience would argue this
is vanity. And of course I am blind to my own prejudice and ways of perceiving
reality. This is never enough. However, if I can die to it all, and trust that
as in nature’s scheme, death brings life, transformation is possible. I believe
that the same is possible with man – new life in a resurrection of the mind,
body and soul. That way I don’t become the man I have often strived to become. Instead
I find revealed within me the fullness of my potentiality powered though surrender
to a love which I do not possess. I have found this by faith in Jesus
(offensive as I know this is to some of my readers). I also know this is my
personal journey and one I can’t take anyone on. Perhaps we could agree on love
as the answer? John Lennon said as much but to rephrase the words of Pilate to
Jesus at his ‘trial’, `what is love?` And my friend Pete would probably agree.
What do we understand of love? My own understandings will only ever be
sufficient for me and often they have been found wanting. For me, humility is
the key and the self-awareness that I don’t know how to do this on my own. Can
I trust a love that does?
