“If my wife did that I would cut out her eyes.” I nearly put an
exclamation mark after that sentence but now I recall last night’s conversation
there was no heightened verbal effect. It was a statement of fact and not
shocking to anyone in the room, not even me. I was disappointed perhaps (these
guys seem so often to be kind, decent and even loving men) but barely surprised.
I know this is what happens to women who are unfaithful, behave
‘inappropriately’ or are perceived to have been immodest or brought shame upon
their families in Afghanistan. This does not happen to men who do the same
thing or are complicit in the offending act with the woman concerned. Why? They
are men.
My colleague Wali (not his real name) says he is happy with his
wife (I mostly believe him) but he lives and works a long way from his family.
He would like a friend who is a girl to chat with and spend time. This is not
permissible in Afghan culture but of course it happens all the time. It’s only
when it is discovered there are obvious consequences, and mostly just nasty
ones for the girl. Wali’s parents arranged a match with his now wife who is a
“good girl from a good family” within their close ethnic grouping. She stays at
home, cooks, looks after the kids and doesn’t mingle or even look at men. It is
clear that he would like greater intimacy and female company which may or may
not involve sex. He doesn’t want a second wife like many of his even quite young
contemporaries. As an unmarried guy who grew up in New Zealand I can’t really
imagine what it must be like to be in a marriage which was not a love match of
my own choosing. It must be hard.
Extramarital relationships, sexual or otherwise, abound in everywhere
in the world I have ever been. What tends to be true in the non-West is that if
they are discovered by the spouse or their family, the girl gets it and the guy
gets off scot free. It is this double standard which bothers me more than the
infidelity (although this causes damage too). If people agree to a shared
standard of relational behaviour then surely they should be at liberty to live
as they please. This is precisely the freedom of choice that we celebrate in
the West even if it causes us harm. The problem in a place like Afghanistan is
that when an inappropriate interaction between the sexes is deemed to have
occurred, the consequences for the female are much more serious and usually
involve physical harm ranging from a beating to a chopped off nose, acid in the
face and sometimes death. The male of the other hand will rarely be held to account
except perhaps to pay financial recompense or to perform some other face-saving
duty for the ‘wronged’ family. Wali feels entirely justified in pursuing women
other than his wife but when asked what he would do if she had a friend who was
a boy he replied “I would kill her. No one would know if I poisoned her. It
happens all the time and there are plenty more women I could marry to replace
her.” And he is one of the more happily married Afghan guys I know. I have many
Afghan friends and cannot imagine most of them being even remotely cruel to
their wives but appearances are deceiving and it is difficult to really know
how truthful they are being, especially in light of these accepted gender roles
and attitudes.
There is a story with a female heroine which all Afghans know –
Malalai and the Battle of Maiwand. In 1880 the British were in Afghanistan on
another of their earlier misguided military escapades, the Second Anglo-Afghan
War, and were winning when Malalai who was attending to the wounded pulled off her
head covering and rode into the fray where her father and fiancé were fighting.
She cried out something like: ‘My love, if you do not fall in battle, you are
surely being saved as a symbol of shame!’ Shame, the greatest insult for an
Afghan man, especially a Pashtun, is a massive motivational factor in male
behaviour. The shame caused by Malalai’s declaration inspired the greatest
British military defeat and perhaps the most evocative victory ever for Afghans
who were outnumbered by a better armed force. Many girls’ schools are named
after her and her story is used to inspire. However, true Malalais are not
welcome as the educational activist Malalai Yousafzai found out when she was shot
by the Taliban in Pakistan. It is not uncommon for women on our staff in rural
locations to come in with a black eye suffered at home. And Malalai wept. Maybe
the time has come for them to follow the example of the first of her name and
cause their men to fight a battle they are losing morally (at least in my view)
and inspire a victory for women’s rights in Afghanistan.
Not likely. Women’s liberation in this context is a suicidal
mission. Their role and position in society will not change anytime soon or
without violent struggle by the women of Afghanistan (and their men who will
need to bravely fight with them). When will the oppression of women here been
seen as shameful and appeal to men’s sense of honour to grant them equality?
When will the mothers and daughters of Afghanistan ride into this battle, a
battalion of Malalais, and make a stand regardless of the consequences? What
would men do if every woman in Afghanistan decided that death was better than
the status quo? It seems they would prefer women die than be equal.
“‘The real question,” wrote Harriet Taylor Mill, in words often
called on by the suffragettes, ”is whether it is right or expedient that one
half of the human race should pass through life in a state of forced subordination
to the other half… when the only reason that can be given is, that men like
it.” (Guardian, 19 September 2015)
And like it they do. Afghan men have fought often and for many
things but a central motivation has always been been a desire to rule
themselves and not be told how to live. When it comes to women their view is
simple: They are their women - that’s the point. Women are their possessions
to be loved, honoured, used and abused as men see fit. Whether I think women
are equal human beings with the same rights doesn’t mean shit here. The
generally accepted western-educated position, at least intellectually, is that
Afghan society has got it wrong. While I may agree with this it is merely an
opinion however well supported by logic, philosophy, religion and whatever else
you care to call on. Believe me when I say that I have tried to reason and
argue on this subject to no avail. The reality is that the vast majority of
Afghan men disagree with me and are very happy with the established roles of
men and women. That is their prerogative but they also have the power to ensure
that nothing changes whatever others may say, think or do. Afghan men are ready
to fight for this right and the likely result is another Maiwand provoking their violent tendencies for the sake of honour.
Yesterday I met two beautiful, innocent young girls (pictured) and
it made me sad.
C’est la vie humanitaire.
Note: Information about Malalai and the Battle of Maiwand taken
from Farewell Kabul: From Afghanistan To A More Dangerous World by
Christina Lamb
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